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"The Human Centipede" vs. the UK censorshitness of the BBFC [Movie Review]

The Human Centipede vs. the UK censorshitness of the BBFC

In Denmark you can watch gore and horror movies like they actually were meant to be when the director made the fuckers. It must be hard to believe in England, just to name a country that actually seems to cherish censorship even more than fucking China. I never buy English versions of horror movies, because I know they'll always be missing half of the goddamned fun. In the days of way back, I grabbed an English VHS copy of Lucio Fulci's "Zombie Flesh Eaters" [1979], missing the awesome eyeball piercing moment, and then I gave up. Never would I buy a UK version of any horror movie again.

But then "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)" [2010] was released by Dutch director Tom Six. All the hype and the awesome idea was too much for me to handle. No European/Danish version was available, and so I bought the UK version. No problem really. The first Human Centipede is more about the idea (much like the greatest classic of all: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre [1974]), and building fucked up images inside people's heads. Not that much stuff left to cut out, ehh, BBFC cunts?

Dr. Heiter [Dieter Laser] was one of those memorable evil creatures you'll just never be able to forget. That and the plot of the movie. 3 people being surgically connected - mouth to ass - to create a human centipede with one connected digestive system. Feed the first and watch the shit come out of the rear end. What a fucking sick yet awesome idea. And with the low movie budget in mind, what a perfect way to present the idea. I've seen it several times now, and it ranks pretty high on my horror hitlist. Mostly because of Dr. Heiter and the idea itself.

"The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)" [2011] was more difficult. It should make the first one look like "My Little Pony", the director said. But only in black and white and shitty brown. The "hero" Martin [Laurence R. Harvey] is a centipede loving retard, who is a tiny bit obsessed with the first movie. I love the way he gets to fulfil the dream of his life, and turn the first centipede movie into reality, not only with 3 but with 12 people, and not surgically connected, but a bit more with gaffa tape, a staple gun, a hammer and whatever comes in handy to assemble a gorgeous centipede of whatever parts fit together right there and then.

Back to the English censorship. Apparently the English are even afraid of a retard's penis on the screen. The first difference I notished between my shitty UK copy and my great Danish copy was that masturbating with sandpaper around your penis is a no-go. Also accidentally splashing out a baby's head with a gas pedal is not a great hit, and wrapping barbed wire around your cock before you mount the rear end of your newly constructed Human Centipede is sooo much a cut out too. Several other things have disappeared as well, many of them important for the story. Seriously, the English version is cut dead. Cut off. Fuck off. Never ever again. I hate it when people cut my hardcore horror or my centipedes to death.

So then, are the 2 movies worth all the hype? Yeah, they surely are. Southpark's episode about The Human centiPad is a must see too. Maybe the funniest parody / Apple bashing ever in TV history.

Want more gore, want it even worse? Well, some people say "A Serbian" [2010] is bad. Yup, I've seen it, and I found it rather unbelievable which mostly killed the movie for me. Then there is of course "Grotesque" [2009] - a jolly Japanese gore movie. It is pretty good, if you don't give a fuck about any story and just want to see a sick dude at work. It ain't a great movie though. The gore is however outstanding, but the monster fails a bit by being anonymous and is not very memorable. Nothing like Dr. Heiter or Leatherface. Remember to get the Danish version of "Grotesque". I imagine the UK version will have been cut down to about 10 minutes runtime or so, out of 1h30.

If you need a real thrill afterwards, I'd advice you to watch the uncut version of "Cannibal Holocaust" [1980]. It is a true 6/6 masterpiece. The actors and the dubbing is horrible, but you will never forget this movie, trust me. And who are the real cannibals ... after all. If you only want to experience one true myth or one real monster, watch the uncut "The House by the Cemetery" by Mr. Lucio Fulci. It's monster, Dr. Freudstein, is one of my all time favourites.

To sum it up:

  • Yes, THC1 is a classic.
  • Yes, THC2 is goddamn funny and a great sequel.
  • Yes, THC3 could be awesome, but who the fuck knows what that sick bastard Tom Six is up to next? I am waiting impatiently. I have a few ideas myself. Just a few. Very sick some of them. Locked inside my evil brain. Dr. Heiter was most likely an uncle of mine. Bring it on!

Rating: 5

Movie Title: The Human Centipede

Director: Tom Six

This Release: 2010

Movie Genre: Horror

Movie Format: DVD

Content Type: Movie Review

Language: EN

Updated: 2013-08-19 07:17

Created: 2013-08-17 04:43

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